I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby