I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]
“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”
ME: uh oh
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem