@KentWGraham

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

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@duhh3322

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh

@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

@junejuly12

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem