I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo