I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
You Might Also Like
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dance like you’re not the father
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
dogs can find happiness so easily
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.