@mynameisntdave

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

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@JeffreyCook

A friend just texted me from a trans-Atlantic flight saying folks are on their hands and knees looking for not one, but THREE missing cats on-board.

Just thought everyone on this website would enjoy that

@HoldinCoffeeld

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

@SteveMathew_

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

@ddsmidt

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@jackiembouvier

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.