A friend just texted me from a trans-Atlantic flight saying folks are on their hands and knees looking for not one, but THREE missing cats on-board.
Just thought everyone on this website would enjoy that
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.