I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.


I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.


Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?



To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.


You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.


Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”


Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.


[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?


ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.