@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

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@nyquills

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

@mama_earp

Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.

@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@AsgardianRose

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

@SondraDeeMe

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.