Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Feel. He’s so soft.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

This is my pinned tweet

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍