If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My favorite horror movie
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.