I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

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havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas


I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.


I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.


“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”


The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”



Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.


My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.


How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1


I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.