@blimeyguvnor

I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch

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@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

@Chocovania

GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY

NOTARY: Yes?

NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say

@sammyrhodes

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

@JocMaxedOut

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

@vidalsg

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

@imdaintyaf

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

@ShortSleeveSuit

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????