I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.