I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …