8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
BaD BoY!!
I see your IQ test came back negative
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.