“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday