*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I got thrown out of the zoo today….
apparently you’re not allowed to feed the ducks…..
to the alligators……..
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
*runs away from it all*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.