HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!