@cdncyn

I got thrown out of the zoo today….

apparently you’re not allowed to feed the ducks…..

to the alligators……..

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@MoistPork

My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

@NicestHippo

*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.

@velvettusk

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.