I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.