I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”


Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it


Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*


The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.


Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.


[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger


You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.


If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.


Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes