*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Current mood: Potato
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread