Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Actually cracking up @ this
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then