“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.