– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My life coach traded me.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Sex so good you see dead people.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“That’s what” – She
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.