@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

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@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

@UncleDuke1969

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@Shenaniglenns

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@DrakeGatsby

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random