My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
You Might Also Like
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random