Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that