@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it

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@myles_morrison

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

@AnnieRUOakley

You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.

@AimeeHelene1

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

@iGreenGod

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

@KyleMcDowell86

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

@timdonakowski

It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.

@FredPollack

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

@68Cly29

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

@TheDiLLon1

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.