I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter