A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
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ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.