Retweet to save a life.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Are we done? Can we go?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name