@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

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@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@ericsshadow

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@UnFitz

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.

@AngelaEhh

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

@sir_shithead_I

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

@MandiAtRandom

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.