@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

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@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@karanbirtinna

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

@4SLars

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@buttgh0st

COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break