” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.