@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

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@sofarrsogud

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

@BrassBallsCJ

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@mindykaling

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@1_dingle

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name