” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.


In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.


[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!


When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.


Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~


God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name