At an art museum and I thought this was art
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
can’t catch a break
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!