I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.