I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Hot hot hot 🥵
それは草
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Fat chances are my favorite chances
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.