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{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
jesus christ confetti not now
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.