@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

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@DepecheALAmode

No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@punished_picnic

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.