@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

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@ThaJawn

*downloads Pinterest

*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest

*uninstalls

@jdforshort

“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today

@T_Bonezzz

Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

@WheelTod

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

@sageboggs

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.