*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
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“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
– First day of College
– Dorm meeting
Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
pope: love all
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.