I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
You Might Also Like
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???