I grew up on cartoon violence

So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about

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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.


Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.


*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help