Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
#MeanwhileinCanada
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?