@ThaJawn

I grew up on cartoon violence

So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about

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@TheAndrewNadeau

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

@SmartassChef

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@Kirangandhi

911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help