MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I grew up on cartoon violence
So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
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how does this make you feel
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“Say hello to my knitted friend!”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help