@MrGeorgeWallace

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

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@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@sixfootcandy

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

@NotBachibawlz

Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot

@graceful_asfuck

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

@TrainedHedonist

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

@capnwatsisname

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@DevilryFun

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair