I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube