When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I knew it.
Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….
Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon
4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair