I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

You Might Also Like


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.


Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot


Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here


What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”


Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*


Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.


I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair