I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”