@LuvPug

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

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@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@MelKassel

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]