I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika