@pittdave13

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

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@BGH70

My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…

@Parentpains

Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@meh_thinks

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@Sorrowscopes

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

@Amazon_Blonde

No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying

@briangaar

The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@ozzyunc

I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.