I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

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My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…


Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.


Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats


Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.


My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…


Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.


No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying


The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl


Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.


I want to be the optimistic person who posted on Facebook a year ago about how it was almost over.