I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
LOL
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
hey, alexa
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Practicing safe sax
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.