[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?
The boss: People will just have to use common sense
—And this folks, is how the world ends
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.