I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.