I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.