i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.