My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.
You Might Also Like
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Thank you, internet, thank you. 😂 #Covfefe
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever