@jrza84

I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.

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@mstern68

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

@Cidisn

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@BlindChow

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.