When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
$3 #books
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Duck typos.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.