I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*