I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Cool shirt 🙂
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it