@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

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@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@KeetPotato

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

@Scottcrates

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@Lexi__Alexandra

My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.

@girlontapas

I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.