I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people


My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.



“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please



If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.


My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.


I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.