I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
damn he’s good
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*