“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio