I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

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911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number


If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.


*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!


Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.


Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works


WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon


Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.