I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.