I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*