I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.


me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out



hitman: is this ur garbage


News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again


It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.


Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.


Me: *finally deciding to be productive*



My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?


[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?


I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.