@withanewname

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

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@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage

@dumbdora77

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

@difficultpatty

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

@jacquiewalters

Me: *finally deciding to be productive*

Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW

@venomjunkie2

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

@Prero22

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

@mydmac

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.