I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
#catsoftwitter
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine