@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

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@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@3sunzzz

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

@rebrafsim

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

@TheSpookyKiwi

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.