I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
same bro
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.